Being a doctor in the healthcare system nowadays is a challenge. Being a young female doctor even more so. Completely unprepared for the fact that as a woman I have to work harder to be heard and seen I start my career. I discover I have to protect myself against the 'male gaze' (and 'the male hands'). The clearer I state my boundaries, the less I am heard. Feelings of fear, powerlessness, overwork, failure, guilt and sadness are taboo. In this system, my patients are separate repetitive projects that need to be handled efficiently. I can not be the doctor nor the woman I want to be.